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Sunday, 7 of March of 2021

Gossip Girl – “Goodbye, Columbia”

“Turns out college is just high school with more expensive books.”

That is the smartest thing Serena van der Woodsen has ever said. And it’s so true too.

We have seen these characters move from high school to college and not much has changed. They’re all still petty and vindictive and selfish and wiling to walk all over one another to get what they want. They still fight over the same girls or boys, they still lie to one another, they still stab each other in the back. Nothing has changed.

Maybe that’s the point. Life doesn’t change much after high school. Sure groups of people may change and you’re setting eventually becomes a boardroom instead of a classroom, but you still deal with the same bullshit. God forbid we follow these terrible souls into the real world, I’m sure we’ll still find Serena and Blair competing with one another, Vanessa still vying for Dan’s affection, and everyone will still be sleeping with each other.

Life is just one long high school experience. Hope you guys enjoyed your time at Constance Billard, you’re gonna be stuck there for a long time. “Goodbye, Columbia” proved that much.

Based on her namesake alone I should have known Juliet (LOST, not Shakespeare) would turn out to be an amazing character. She’s the underhanded deceiver trying to infiltrate the popular kids in an effort to destroy them. And she’s damn good at it. Everything in the episode managed to go her way, be it planned or pulled out of her ass. How does someone spread a rumor about Serena, break up Dan and Vanessa, shake Nate and Serena’s friendship, almost get Serena expelled from school, turn everyone against Vanessa, AND get to go home and bang Nate at the end of the day? It’s just not fair.

But I can’t complain, anyone trying to take down Serena is alright in my book. Starting a rumor about her having an STD was inspired. And as Juliet pointed out, everyone is connected sexually to her and should be tested. Gossip Girl drew up a chart showing how everyone has had sex with everyone else and it’s equal parts informative and ridiculous. I guess the whole point about getting tested is Gossip Girl‘s attempt at an after school special message. It’s okay to sleep around with all your friends and their exes, just make sure you get tested.

So now Juliet is an accepted member of the in crowd. She’s in prime position to lay her vengeance upon Serena. We learned that her “brother” (I’m not convinced they aren’t together because Ben objects so vehemently to Juliet dating Nate as an in) has somehow been scorned by Serena in the past and that is the basis for this revenge plot. Maybe she turned down his homecoming proposal. Maybe she beat him out for student body President. Whatever the reason, homeboy ain’t happy.

While the new girl attempts to tear down the popular slutty girl the ex prom king and queen are going head to head for a teacher’s pet assistant position. Since Blair caused Eva to leave Chuck (seriously, I cry myself to sleep at night) he’s devoted all of his energy to ripping away all that she holds dear and wants to accomplish. Childish? Maybe, but who hasn’t wanted to get back at an ex? And if you had the resources that Chuck does don’t pretend like you wouldn’t utilize them.

It’s great seeing Chuck back in douchebag form. I really missed his sexy evil smirk. Everyone had that one friend in school, the person who you’d say “Man, you’re kind of an asshole” but admittedly enjoyed watching his/her shenanigans from time to time. When you weren’t the target anyway.

The “best friends who you always knew would get together eventually because at one time or another one of them had feelings for the other and it was only a matter of time until those feelings synced up and they got together” couple of Dan and Vanessa have fallen apart. Vanessa couldn’t let go of the fact that Dan couldn’t let go of Serena even though he already had. Deep breath. High school antics are hard to follow. An unintentional (at first) victim of Juliet’s scheming, Vanessa is now left with nothing. She was an unwelcome guest in the clique to begin with and now she’s back to sitting at the table in the corner with the Mathletes and the LARPers.

So Serena is the slutty popular girl who is being targeted by Juliet, the new girlfriend of Serena’s pretty boy ex boyfriend Nate who is best friends with recently anointed popular artist Dan (who also used to date Serena) who just broke up with artsy girl Vanessa who has slept with every main guy including Prom King Chuck who is attempting to destroy ex-girlfriend and ex-Queen Blair. Yeah, a chart would be super helpful.

LOST Tangent:

So get this: Juliet’s partner in crime’s name is Ben. Coincidence? Hell no. Ben is having Juliet infiltrate the Upper East Siders to glean info from them and cause their downfall. Ben Linus used Juliet Burke in the same manner in regards to the 815 survivors. Ben is worried about Juliet actually falling for Nate because that could mess up their plans. Juliet Burke did end up falling in love and joining the survivors. Does this mean Juliet (Gossip Girl) will fall for Nate and try to make things right? If so, that means that Nate is Jack, the one Juliet falls in love with. But Juliet and Nate don’t end up together because Jack is destined to be with Kate. Poor bastard. This means Serena is Kate (which makes so much sense) and Nate and Serena will get back together in the end. So who does Juliet end up with? Sawyer, the other leg of the Jack/Kate/Sawyer love triangle. This means Dan, the other leg to the Nate/Serena/Dan love triangle. Does that make Vanessa Anna Lucia? Well she is on the show for ethnic diversity and the majority of people in the community hate her (why I do not know) so I will say yes. That means Vanessa will die.

There you have it. I am predicting future Gossip Girl events based on LOST. Cause that’s what I do.

No new episode next week but get ready because October 25th marks the return of Jenny Humphrey (yay?) as well as Tim Gunn as a guest star.

Final Thoughts:

  • Great. A new love interest for Serena. Don’t care.
  • Glad Nate and Dan can put Serena behind them both. I like their friendship.
  • Apparently Serena can’t tell time. Another reason why she’s an idiot.
  • The original title of the episode was apparently supposed to be “Gonorrhea in Sixty Seconds”. I like that title much more than what we were given.

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