Monsters of Television

Here at Monsters of Television we value one trait above all else: snark. Sure, we have to be able to write intelligently and put TV shows in academic and societal contexts, but why do it if you’re not going to be witty about it? So in tribute to both television and snark, I have compiled a list of 10 of the snarkiest, wittiest characters on television. I’m including pictures and videos for all of you out there who don’t read so good. See? Snark. Here we go. Read more »

Popularity: 9%

“I’m sorry for needing you.”

Don’t cry, Hugh Laurie. Not every finale can be a homerun.

Seriously. If you liked this episode of House, I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.

Season finales on this show are events, the showrunners’ opportunity to fully utilize the talent they were blessed with in actors/characters, all the budget they can muster, and forward-thinking writers/producers. For instance, the big hullabaloo about this episode, from months ago, is that it was shot on a consumer-expensive DSLR, not a big honking HD camera. Interestingly, that was all anyone wanted to talk about when discussing the episode. Not the inevitable monkey wrench the finale would toss into the well-oiled machine that is the House formula, not what would happen to some of the characters. No, no. It was only about the Canon 5D. And I can imagine the reason was because no one wanted to talk about the actual content at all.

Because it stinks.

We’ve come to expect cliffhangers (a serious rarity on this show that we’ve come to expect) and heavy distortion of House’s vision of reality. Recall the episode where House was shot and he slipped in and out of subconsciousness or the one where he’s trying to figure out how he got on a bus with Amber (you know, the one with Fred Durst) or the one where drugs were making him hallucinate going through withdrawls with Cuddy by his side. I suppose now that he’s clean, we’re supposed to accept that these forays into the surreal would be obliterated by sober reality.

But who knew House’s actual life was so juvenile and miserably melodramatic?

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Popularity: 2%

“He can’t tell his fiancee he’s gay … how is he going to tell her he’s pregnant?”

Men of Team House singing karaoke. Taub doesn’t count.

After giving Taub such a hard time last week, several of my friends told me I should probably take it easy on the poor guy. It’s not his fault that he’s weak and tiny, desperate to validate his achievements through some coworker strange. My friend Ian reminded me he’s the only human left on the show. That’s a good point. Everyone else on the show has vaulted to a point where their once human quirks are now tragic flaws. I mean, Chase killed a dude and possibly saved a country in one episode. There is a legacy around the development of Foreman, Thirteen, and Chase, putting them on tall pedestals from which they can judge and orchestrate things below. Between them, there is almost a mythology. Taub, on the other hand, is human. His flaws are petty, almost pedestrian, by comparison to Thirteen’s self-destructive streak or Foreman’s denial of his past. Taub’s biggest trouble is keeping it in his pants and coping with being a bad liar. He also has to stand against the Greek gods and goddess aesthetically and there’s not much the poor guy can do. Which, of course, makes him a target.

It’s been a while since House took his “relentless torture” game on the road. He’s mostly kept it domestic this season what with his preoccupation in Wilson and Sam. Taub gets flustered easily and, despite his prediliction to this behavior, is not very good at it. So House rides the easy target like he rode everyone in the old days, with a mastery and cunning that almost seems sleepy when compared to his larger triumphs. It’s good to see House returning to the days when was addic– oh no.

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Popularity: 1%

“After missing so many little deaths, he should be here for the big one.”

Are we to believe that Taub could really pull this?

Taub is a jackass. I didn’t like him when he was selected from the pool of candidates that gave us Kutner and 13. I didn’t like him his first go-round as a fellow. I cheered when he left and growled when he came back (even though he was reintroduced with 13). So you can imagine my distaste when we have a Taub-centric episode. But, whenever they want to do a show about cheating spouses, they have to wheel out the hobbit.

The patient with the cheating heart is part of an open marriage and she, in fact, is about to get down with a sex buddy when she has an attack in her bowls. The idea of an open marriage intrigues the man-children of the group (i.e. not Chase or Foreman) and puts the idea in Taub’s itty bitty head that this might be a good idea to bring up to his wife.

What should have ensued was a loud guffaw from his long suffering wife but, instead, this is really the main source of non-patient drama for the episode because we’re to assume Taub is some kind of dwarvian lethario. We can only assume it’s because he offers women a peek as his pot of gold.

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Popularity: 1%

“I took on three guys in college once.”

Everybody loves Wilson.

The Renaissance Faire? Don’t they know LARPing is way funnier?

Seasons on House have always been the same for me: you look forward to the season finales and premieres and pray they have the inspiration to do something outside the box in-between. Remember the end of Season 4 when they have to save Amber? Or “Locked In” with patient perspective? Or even the Wilson and Cuddy episodes from this season (though I thought both could be better)? It’s why I continue watching. The show could break out at any moment.

This week contained none of those moments. In a show that people appreciate for its formula, somehow, the predictability was snore-inducing. Even the bump at the beginning was snoreable (ha! I’m hilarious!).

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Popularity: 1%

“What do you think is going to happen here? You’re going to logic me into coming back?”

Talb having the night of his life.

I would say this is a filler week but, really, how can you tell anymore?

The “trapped together” episode is the kind of theme you’re supposed to avoid as a spec writer since nothing really happens and it usually isn’t very demonstrative of the tenets of a series (unless the tenets of the series include being trapped together). These episodes are generally set-up for more exciting times, like a sacrifice for later in the season. It gives writers the opportunity to try out material they’re too uninspired to work in naturally. But these are staff writers so they can do whatever they want.

Chase and Cameron working out their relationship issues. Talb and Foreman getting high in the basment. 13 and Wilson playing Truth or Dare. Did John Hughes bank a House episode before he left?

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Popularity: 1%

“Be not afraid.”

Yeah, I’m not going to feel sorry for you people.

Am I the only one that misses Laura Prepon with red hair? Every time I see her blonde it upsets me.

After a series of House episodes with a bit of gravity (including the very good “Wilson” and “5 to 9″), we get a mostly light-hearted episode. The threads of the season (Cuddy and House, Lucas and House, House’s recovery, etc) are left alone for a week so that we can, instead, focus on more antics between men of a certain age, namely the secrets they keep from each other even over the long course of their friendship and, more recently, constant proximity to one another.

The overall theme to this particular episode is the concept that “no man is an island.” House (natch) feels that anyone can be an island, that even while living among thousands of people, one can maintain solitude. As you might guess, Wilson feels the opposite. Ms Prepon plays a blogger who sees recording her life as a commitment to honesty, even to the detriment of her relationship and her decision-making abilities (“Dear strangers/readers, what kind of heart valve should I get?”). We would call her an “oversharer.” Her presence updates the “no man is an island” concept by bringing it into digital world where anyone can offer as much of themselves as they want. “Privacy is a modern invention,” Talb insists, supporting his statement with the fact that people used to live in small, far-flung towns where no one could keep secrets. The internet has made the world small again, the difference being people can choose which tiny village to create or inhabit. Our blogger friend, of course, is eventually stricken with some serious effects of a disease, which of course leads her to PPTH. The most disappointing thing: not even one Eric Foreskin joke.

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Popularity: 1%

Wilson: “She no longer thinks we’re gay. Now she thinks we’re mendacious dirtbags.”
House: “Mendacious dirtbag does come much more naturally to me.”

“I’m really glad that worked on zero evidence. Otherwise, how stupid would I have looked? Pret-ty stupid.”

Drug deal in a wet, dilapidated parking garage at night. Four guys standing around the back end of an SUV with bricks of something-er-other neatly packaged in the back. I know there’s an air of privacy that needs to be maintained for these kinds of things but, one day, I’d like to see someone do a drug deal in a nice park during the day. Maybe that’s how they came up with Weeds. Anyway, roles of the four men are soon revealed: Seller, Buyer, Henchman with a Gun (for the buyer), and The Patient (technically at this point he’s Henchman without a Gun but let’s just cut the sheepdip and name him what he is to this episode). Some tough negotiating leads to Henchman with a Gun to pull his piece, demanding respect for his boss. The Patient tries to wrestle the gun away from him, and Henchman ends up shooting himself in the foot but The Patient crumples to the ground, takes a lick to the skull from the asphalt. He has no other external injuries.

The Patient and the Seller go to the clinic instead of the ER to stitch up Patient’s head wound and House picks up on clues (no trauma, gun powder on his sleeve) that he has loud-noise-induced vertigo. How he proves it: when Patient tries to walk away, House slaps his cane against the bed and the Patient goes down like a Tennessee Scare Goat. And thus we have a new case.

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Popularity: 100%