Monsters of Television

“Whatever created this planet is about to wipe it out.”

How dare those soldiers touch Castiel!

Stonehenge Apocalypse was probably conceived of as actually someone’s insane Lost theory before they knew about the Magical Glowy Cave. And instead of posting it to a Lost fan forum, the writer decided to turn it into a Syfy Original Movie. As you do.

But it’s also a meditation on environmental extremism, why scientists shouldn’t wear shorts, and OMGZISTHATMISHACOLLINSSQUEEE! *dies*

(And Noel, it turns out, doesn’t know that Salem is in Massachusetts.)

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“Join us. We fight witches.”

You see the guy with the shoulder cod piece? He’s the king.

Among the Originals featuring dudes bicycle kicking giant, building-smashing piranhas and sharks with the pinpoint accuracy needed to fly out of the water and eat a plane out of mid-air, there’s a different breed of movie that sits on the sci-fi/fantasy genre spectrum somewhere left of campy and dipping into the region of legitimate genre piece.

Witchville sits in that spot. Though it kind of reads like someone wrote down a Red-Bull-fueled late-night session of D&D and doesn’t feature award-aspiring actors like Tiffany or Eric Balfour, Witchville somehow was harder to poke fun at. And that had absolutely nothing to do with writer Amy Krell keeping a watchful eye over our tweets. No, my friend, above all things we have our snark-driven “journalistic” integrity to keep in tact.

However: be prepared for some pretty shameless nerd references on our part. Our dork was showing all night.

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“It wasn’t an explosion. It wasn’t a terrorist. It was a giant piranha.”

All those jazzercise classes finally came in handy.

So I’m pretty sure, post-Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, some people sat in a room and had a discussion similar to this:

“All right, guys, Mega Shark was a smash but we need a new picture. What is worse than a Mega Shark?”
“Ultra Shark?”
“I like where your head is at but let’s think a little outside the box.”
“Omega Shark? Last shark alive?”
“How is that dangerous?”
“Get Charlton Heston to play the shark?”
“Next.”
“What about TWO Mega Sharks?”
” — Go on.”
“That’s all I have.”
“Very good. Let’s expand on this ‘two Mega Sharks’ idea.”
“2.”
“No. 6.”
“No! 12.”
“Baker’s dozen!”
“What if there’s was a whole school of them getting bigger and meaner, like, like, that fish in the Amazon with the teeth and the eating?”
“Piranha.”
“Right right right. And make them eat submarines and destroyers and buildings!”
“Buildings?”
“Yeah. And people.”
“Don’t forget to include my flimsy geopolitical storyline!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. And they eat a helicopter!”
“Yes. I like it. I think we have a winner here. Get Tiffany on the phone.”

Enlightening. Noel and I live-tweeted the premiere of Mega Piranha and you can read all our time-stamped wit and snark after the jump!.

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“Welcome to the endangered species list, you bastard.”

Hold me. Like the river Jordan. And I will then say to thee. You are my friend.

Noel couldn’t make it to the live-tweet of Dinoshark (some lame excuse about reading) but I sure did. This flick had it all: bad accents, high body count, inexplicable blood splatters, taking obscene chances with a single grenade. This is a great appetizer for Sharktopus.

Below are my comments throughout the movie. You can see everyone’s live-tweet by doing a search on Twitter using the hashtag #dinoshark. It might be worth your while; we were pretty hilarious. Once I get a hold of the movie again, I’ll put in the timestamps and screengrabs so you can follow along at home.

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From time to time, as often as possible, Nick and I will do a Live Tweet event, typically about a Syfy Original Movie. This week was Seasnakes starring Dylan McKay Luke Perry. Pretty fun as you’ll be able to read. Be sure to follow us on Twitter if you’re already so we can spam the hell out of your feed one a week or so. You know love it.

Read on for the snark! Read more »

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