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Friday, 16 of April of 2021

Live-Tweet: Witchville

“Join us. We fight witches.”

Jozefa, Malachy, and Jason stand ready to take down the Red Queen.You see the guy with the shoulder cod piece? He’s the king.

Among the Originals featuring dudes bicycle kicking giant, building-smashing piranhas and sharks with the pinpoint accuracy needed to fly out of the water and eat a plane out of mid-air, there’s a different breed of movie that sits on the sci-fi/fantasy genre spectrum somewhere left of campy and dipping into the region of legitimate genre piece.

Witchville sits in that spot. Though it kind of reads like someone wrote down a Red-Bull-fueled late-night session of D&D and doesn’t feature award-aspiring actors like Tiffany or Eric Balfour, Witchville somehow was harder to poke fun at. And that had absolutely nothing to do with writer Amy Krell keeping a watchful eye over our tweets. No, my friend, above all things we have our snark-driven “journalistic” integrity to keep in tact.

However: be prepared for some pretty shameless nerd references on our part. Our dork was showing all night.


Starring: Luke Goss, Ed Speleers, Simon Thorp, Sarah Douglas, MyAnna Buring

Written by: Amy Krell and John Werner

Directed by: Pearry Teo

Noel [8:51]: Seriously tempted just to mock Luke Goss the entire time, just to annoy all the Luke Goss fans watching tonight.

Noel [9:02]: The name of his sword is Buzzkill.

Nick [9:04]: Dollars to donuts that the only dude with hair dies at some point.

Nick [9:05]: Does the giant goat head on his shoulder ever get in the way?

Noel to Nick [9:06]: The ladies love the goat head. He never takes it off.

Nick [9:07]: Ha ha — gotcha, sucker. No more boozin’ and whorin’ for you. Well, at least none in a non-regal capacity.

Nick [9:09]: Beating up the village — not the greatest PR move.

Noel [9:09]: Oh noes! We’re attacked by LARPers! Quickly! Roll for initiative!

Nick [9:10]: Desmond?

Nick [9:11]: It’s the cutest trick ever!

Noel [9:12]: I will say that Syfy has spared little expense with set design, costuming, and special effects so far.

Nick [9:15]: Son of a witch! No, really. He’s probably the son of a witch.

Noel [9:16]: Kramer, the name, is of Dutch/German and/or Jewish origin. I don’t think Kramer here is any of those.

Noel [9:17]: Oh. This is The Crucible, but with way more action! Awesome!

Noel to Nick [9:19]: Another relative of the Smoke Monster! I hope Titus Welliver is getting royalties.

Nick [9:19]: “And she’s got my meat!” “That’s what he said!” “This is not the time!”

Nick [9:20]: Can’t find food but these villagers are quick on their execution plan.

Noel to Nick [9:21]: Witch just tastes better when you roast it yourself.

Noel [9:22]: It’s raining blood! Well this certainly makes more sense than when it rained frogs while we all sang an Aimee Mann song.

Nick [9:24]: Did anyone else think it was weird that his first instinct when a giant dollup of thick crimson hit him was to lick it?

Nick to Noel [9:25]: Mmm … Witches Foster.

Nick [9:29]: Assassin’s Creed product placement?

Noel [9:30]: Is the crow/raven witch a preview for what to expect for the Syfy Red Riding Hood with Felicia Day?

Nick [9:32]: “Join us. We fight witches. And we make jam. But for now, just the witches thing.”

Noel [9:34]: “3 random Asian Monks have joined your party!”

Nick [9:34]: Forest assassins have joined your party.

Noel to Nick [9:35]: That was just sad. For both of us.

Noel [9:38]: So Kramer has a decent weapon and can use magic. But he’s not dressed like a Red Mage.

Nick [9:39]: If Kramer has so many awesome toys, why’s he such a wuss?

Noel to Nick [9:41]: Red mages can only equip certain armors. He’s best in the back row between the magic and the long-distance weapon.

Nick [9:45]: Man, does everyone have to use autotune?

Nick [9:48]: Oh, it must be time for an action beat.

Noel [9:50]: Clearly intended to be a backdoor pilot, but doesn’t fit Syfy’s original programming aims at the moment.

Nick [9:58]: Wait! No one is wearing a hat. How can they turn on the switch?

Nick [10:01]: That’s the thing about witches here. You can’t tell who’s a witch because they’re not carrying wands.

Noel to Nick [10:04]: Well, you were almost right. Maybe you’ll still be right about the youngest brother.

Nick [10:04]: Apparently metal bestial shoulder-covers are this world’s yamaka.

Noel to Nick [10:05]: There it is. And is Goss’ character not aware he just lost both his brothers?

Nick [10:06]: “We have unleashed hell.” “You’re right. Time to level grind.”

Noel [10:11]: How dare he call Ursa a hag!

Noel [10:14]: I think the first problem for that kingdom is that there seems to be only 1 woman in it.

Nick [10:17]: Just once I’d like the magic words to kill the enemy would be something simple like, “Die, Witch!”

Nick [10:26]: Parkour!

Noel [10:27]: No fair, casting Ultima that early in the battle.

Nick [10:28]: Just like a forest monk to bring a sword to a freeze ray thing fight.

Noel [10:29]: I’m starting to think that guy just likes getting chained up.

Noel [10:30]: And fangirls everywhere swoon and squee at Goss’ shirtless, sweaty chest.

Nick to Noel [10:31]: They really greased him up for this, didn’t they?

Noel to Nick [10:31]: Looks like you had the wrong son of a witch.

Noel [10:33]: Man. Another abject mother? Frustrating.

Nick to Noel [10:38]: Nah, I meant Malachi. Off-topic: did you find the “triumvirate” a little weird. Mind, body, and soul? Gross, dude.

Noel to Nick [10:39]: Abject maternal figures are always like that. It’s their bread and butter. Always a desire to cling to their children.

Nick [10:40]: “Where is that book purple monkey dishwasher.”

Nick [10:41]: I might actually watch a show based around Jozefa.

Noel to Nick [10:43]: Agreed. Clearly the most interesting potential character here, esp. for her own series.


Nick [10:48]: You know, for a dude whose chest looks like funnel cake, Jozefa’s love interest [Jason] moves around pretty good.

Noel to Nick [10:51]: The woman playing Jozefa was in one my least favorite Doctor Who episodes. May have to go back and rewatch.

Nick [10:53]: K[obr]a Kai

Nick to Noel [11:00]: What’d you think?

Noel to Nick [11:02]: I thought it was OK. Suffers from the same issue all the Syfy Originals do: pacing issues.

Nick to Noel [11:13]: Felt the same. Did really dig Jozefa. Glad they left room for a spin-off.

You can read the interview with star Sarah Douglas and director Pearry Teo that Noel participated in here.

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